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:: flaws, filters + being the flower in the field that’s worthy of more water ::

i’ve been going to the buttonwood farm sunflower field for the past five or so years

every time i go alone — a sacred solo exploration + witnessing of the blooms + what they want me to see 

first time was on a whim, last two times it’s been a relatively quick stop before heading to see trevor hall perform live outside at jonathan edwards winery

for various reasons, i’ve always gone to the walking field, never to the cutting one

this time i drove by the cutting field as i left, on the way to the show

i must have passed it last year too, but i don’t recall

this time though, i was struck by how high + bright the flowers were standing there in the sunlight

in the walking field, many of the flowers were bent +  bowed + in a range of stages of wilting

we were, after all, in the middle of a heat wave

there’s been some sort of watering ban in the state lately because of the heat, and i’m guessing water resources had been diverted to the cutting field since those were the flowers people would be buying (+ whose earnings would be donated to the charity the cutting was raising money for)

i could hear some people grumbling about it, but i love to see the beauty in the wilt + droop that others may see as flawed

it’s a gift + a joy that makes life an endless source of marvel + delight (a practice i cultivate + teach others to, too)

and yet… as i drove past that cutting field of well-tended sunlight-dancing blooms, i looked back to the less-tended ones across the way + realized what a fine line it can be, between being with the beauty in what is + denying a desire for more

and how challenging it can be to hold both as wonderful + worthwhile

when we can see beauty in the midst of struggle, sometimes we forget that it doesn’t HAVE to be a struggle

have you ever heard the word “flawsome?” i’m not sure who first coined the term, but it’s a portmanteau of flawed + awesome, used to describe someone who recognizes their flaws + embraces them as awesome

it might surprise you to know that i’m not a big fan

it feels like a bandaid on a burn, and your body’s no fool

to eff around with shakespeare a bit: a flaw by any other name still stinks of judgment + critique

it still puts its gaze upon your pieces, followed by its judgment — when you love yourself “anyway” or “in spite of,” i believe you ground that judgment into your bones — even as your words proclaim it powerless

and your body knows the difference

so while you’re saying one thing, your body feels the residue of the other + those mixed messages leave you unfulfilled + not bone-deep buying it

which can leave you bad-mouthing things like self-love + self-care + affirmations as silly, indulgent + ineffective… when in truth, you haven’t really given them a shot

instead of adding a flawsome filter to your current view , what if you could remove the filter that said you were flawed at all?

because whether you aim to love yourself IN SPITE OF your flaws. FOR your flaws, or even straight up start to love your flaws — you’re still left as fundamentally  flawed

and you’re not. flawed, that is

you’re perfect

right here, right now, you are perfection in your present state

which doesn’t have to mean there’s nothing you’d like to change

it’s about holding both as true:

you are perfect —

AND you have room to grow, evolve, transform + become

you can sacrifice to get through tough times —

AND you don’t have to settle for self-neglect

sometimes  we have the means to water ourselves well, and we do

but sometimes, even when we can, we don’t

we choose to keep diverting those resources to others

another fine line, between generosity + martyrdom. loving others + being unloving to ourselves

what if you let yourself be the flower in the field that’s worthy of more water

what if you stopped giving your ration to others + let yourself be nourished well

what if you loved yourself in the way you can survive with less AND allowed yourself to have more

just because

what if you looked at yourself + saw the beauty that i do

not in spite of, or even because of

just beauty. just because

let’s stop normalizing self-neglect + ditch the filter that says we’re flawed

and see what new visions pop up in their place

xxoo, cc

ps: you can see more pics from the day here + here