:: flaws, filters + being the flower in the field that’s worthy of more water ::
i’ve been going to the buttonwood farm sunflower field for the past five or so years
every time i go alone — a sacred solo exploration + witnessing of the blooms + what they want me to see
first time was on a whim, last two times it’s been a relatively quick stop before heading to see trevor hall perform live outside at jonathan edwards winery
for various reasons, i’ve always gone to the walking field, never to the cutting one
this time i drove by the cutting field as i left, on the way to the show
i must have passed it last year too, but i don’t recall
this time though, i was struck by how high + bright the flowers were standing there in the sunlight
in the walking field, many of the flowers were bent + bowed + in a range of stages of wilting
we were, after all, in the middle of a heat wave
there’s been some sort of watering ban in the state lately because of the heat, and i’m guessing water resources had been diverted to the cutting field since those were the flowers people would be buying (+ whose earnings would be donated to the charity the cutting was raising money for)
i could hear some people grumbling about it, but i love to see the beauty in the wilt + droop that others may see as flawed
it’s a gift + a joy that makes life an endless source of marvel + delight (a practice i cultivate + teach others to, too)
and yet… as i drove past that cutting field of well-tended sunlight-dancing blooms, i looked back to the less-tended ones across the way + realized what a fine line it can be, between being with the beauty in what is + denying a desire for more
and how challenging it can be to hold both as wonderful + worthwhile
when we can see beauty in the midst of struggle, sometimes we forget that it doesn’t HAVE to be a struggle
have you ever heard the word “flawsome?” i’m not sure who first coined the term, but it’s a portmanteau of flawed + awesome, used to describe someone who recognizes their flaws + embraces them as awesome
it might surprise you to know that i’m not a big fan
it feels like a bandaid on a burn, and your body’s no fool
to eff around with shakespeare a bit: a flaw by any other name still stinks of judgment + critique
it still puts its gaze upon your pieces, followed by its judgment — when you love yourself “anyway” or “in spite of,” i believe you ground that judgment into your bones — even as your words proclaim it powerless
and your body knows the difference
so while you’re saying one thing, your body feels the residue of the other + those mixed messages leave you unfulfilled + not bone-deep buying it
which can leave you bad-mouthing things like self-love + self-care + affirmations as silly, indulgent + ineffective… when in truth, you haven’t really given them a shot
instead of adding a flawsome filter to your current view , what if you could remove the filter that said you were flawed at all?
because whether you aim to love yourself IN SPITE OF your flaws. FOR your flaws, or even straight up start to love your flaws — you’re still left as fundamentally flawed
and you’re not. flawed, that is
you’re perfect
right here, right now, you are perfection in your present state
which doesn’t have to mean there’s nothing you’d like to change
it’s about holding both as true:
you are perfect —
AND you have room to grow, evolve, transform + become
you can sacrifice to get through tough times —
AND you don’t have to settle for self-neglect
sometimes we have the means to water ourselves well, and we do
but sometimes, even when we can, we don’t
we choose to keep diverting those resources to others
another fine line, between generosity + martyrdom. loving others + being unloving to ourselves
what if you let yourself be the flower in the field that’s worthy of more water
what if you stopped giving your ration to others + let yourself be nourished well
what if you loved yourself in the way you can survive with less AND allowed yourself to have more
just because
what if you looked at yourself + saw the beauty that i do
not in spite of, or even because of
just beauty. just because
let’s stop normalizing self-neglect + ditch the filter that says we’re flawed
and see what new visions pop up in their place
xxoo, cc
