A Confession and A Lesson: Struggle, Showing Up, and Grace

I need to share something with you that’s been rocking my world and bringing me to tears as its truth keeps revealing itself more deeply. I’ve known it, but in shades and echoes. Not really seeing the full spectrum of what it’s meant or hearing its completed chorus until now.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been reminded of something over the past few months that I thought had happened within the last year, but it had actually happened 2, 3, or 4 years ago.

At first I felt it hard, like a failing. A transgression over which to feel guilty. A shameful calling out, that I haven’t been nearly as present or connected as I thought I’d been or wanted to be at all.

But as I stayed with it, a fuller picture emerged. Although my practices have certainly been cleaner and clearer in the past, I’m still doing them and I’m still devoted to them and the connection they grant me.

Though I feared I had lost awareness and connection somewhere along the way, I realized that in fact, I’ve been painfully aware of having been “off.” I can pinpoint the starting point and can identify major situational markers along the way that have challenged me in countless ways from all the angles over the past 2 years.

I’ve been doing my best to keep going along with the flow of life, honoring my intuition as well as my obligations, allowing a balance to surface that, though not ideal, has been acceptable, livable, navigable.

I’ve been connecting to self and spirit through meditation every day, even if my thoughts have wandered more often than they used to.

I’ve been grounding to beauty and truth every day through nature and all of my senses, even if the effects have been lasting less long than they used to.

I’ve been celebrating and relishing all the small and large joys and successes, even if it’s felt like there’s been a thin, only semi-permeable film cling-wrapped over much of my heart at times.

I’ve been sitting with and in the discomfort, the unease, the sadness, anger and uncertainty that has come and gone, has lingered, landed and leadened, even if it’s kept me down longer than I would ever care to admit.

I’ve continued to prioritize my self-care, to act in ways that articulate to myself how much I love and treasure myself, to trust and keep returning to trust, in myself and in the sacred spirit of what animates my faith.

I’ve done the best that I could and embraced that in holy enoughness.

I’ve risked, I’ve cradled, I’ve released, I’ve allowed.

And through it all, I’ve struggled.

And every time I jumped to take that word back, I paused, assessed, and let it be.

I HAVE struggled. I HAVE BEEN struggling. That’s not stinkin’ thinkin’ or calling in that which I do not want. My wisdom, my courage, my strength and my light has been IN the struggle. In acknowledging it and getting to know it as best as I could. In showing up any way, in any way I can. And in blanketing myself in grace on any days I can’t.

I’m sharing this with you, because maybe you’ve been struggling, too. Maybe you’ve had shame around it and denied it, or felt overwhelmed and overcome by it. Maybe you’ve believed that it’s MEANT something about you. About who you are and what you’re made of.

I’m here to tell you that, if it means anything, it means that you are immeasurably STRONG, ABLE and UNBREAKABLE. You are here and THAT is the victory. I know, without a doubt, that you’ve got this. No matter how tough it may have been or how far off course you may feel you’ve gotten.

As I said before, I’ve been doing my best to allow a balance to surface that, though not ideal, has been acceptable, livable, navigable. It’s gotten me here, and for that I am deeply, completely grateful. Every time I want to follow that up with some sort of “but” about the time, experiences, or opportunities I feel like I’ve lost in that time, I remind myself that what was acceptable, livable and navigable THEN doesn’t define the quality of what will be my path going forward. I remind myself of the pain and discomfort I felt years ago, after my divorce and before I embarked on the path that brought me to create and indeed become Thriveandbloom in the first place. I remind myself that every point invites a pivot and every step gives birth to another. And I want to share that reminder with YOU, to take for yourself if you need, or to share in grace with another as the case may call.

Tomorrow I’ll be sharing a special “gratitude pricing” event for individual coaching sessions, as well as some special gifts with purchase for the products I sell.

Today and every day, I’m grateful for every set of eyes or ears that takes in what I’ve got to share, and every heart that connects here.

xxoo, cc

PS:  Here’s some complementary songtherapy, because #myselfcaresings

Ooh Child, Variations on a Theme: MILCK , The Five Stairsteps , Nina Simone